So it all went wrong..

Something snapped. Something snapped in my brain. I wanted to kill myself.

I usually write everything down in a journal and have been doing so since I got into recovery in 2014.

Lately I think this has been doing me more harm than good.

It was giving me a platform to overanalyze everything.

At the moment I feel completely lost and worthless. I don’t feel able to look after my baby girl (who is now almost 2) and I no longer feel positive about my alcoholism and mental health struggles.

I know that I the only option I have now is to try and pull myself out of the hole I have fallen into.

I don’t know how I am going to do that. I feel like I have gone further down the road than I ever have done before.

I’m lost. I have isolated myself. Slowly everyone I had in my life has gone.



It’s been a while!

It’s been so long! A month since I’ve logged into WordPress! I’ve had a lot of reading to do of all the blogs I follow! I enjoy reading those posts by people who have things in common with me and are facing the same struggles I am. 

What have I been up to? Well – life has been ticking along nicely for myself to be fair. One thing that I am unable to escape from however are the truly horrible things happening in the world today. When I turn on the radio or read the news there are the constant shocking reminders of how unstable the world we live in today is. 

The reasons why these things happen are far to heavy for me to be speculating about in little blog but sometimes I can get lost in thought thinking about it all. 

As a single person all I can do is pray for those that loose their lives in the actions of these monsters. I worry about the world I am bringing my daughter up in. That little girl who smiles at me everyday – it is my duty to protect her from all this violence.

When I’m up in the middle of the night I worry about this.  What if I’m not there to protect her? I have to hand this feeling over to my higher power. 

Because of the fears I have, I’m working on listening to my intuition a little bit more. I’m an EXTREMELY indecisive person. I still rarely do something without thinking about what other people will think of my decision etc etc (big people pleaser here!). Now I’m trying to go with my gut. I’m trying to stop thinking as much about decisions I have to make and just go with what feels right. I think this will help my fear and anxiety around people places and things. 

I’ve been trying to get a little more mediation in. I did my reiki course and am now qualified to practise reiki  (yay!) but it’s a constant work in progress. To get that feeling of serenity and really get good at it I need to practise.  I try and do a little bit each day and live mindfully.  One day all those little extra bits will hopefully show via a change in me. 

For me it’s constantly about growth. If I get complacent with my prayer, meditation and learning I will most likely slip back into drinking or another destructive behaviour. Exercising my mind with new knowledge is vital. 

Remain teachable. You never know it all! 

E.m x

Progress not perfection

That’s what it’s about. I’m not perfect and I never will be. As long as I do something everyday to improve myself I’m doing OK. 

Realising this is hard for me as I want to do a million things in a day.. and do them all perfectly. Not gonna happen is it!

The same applies to me as a person. I want to be this amazingly spiritual serene person that glidddeesss through life and doesn’t let anything bother me. Again…not gonna happen! I have to remind myself that I’m doing OK.  In the last 2 years I’ve gone from a wreck of a person to something of substance.

I have a belief in a higher power now and need to remember that I don’t need to control my day and do it all perfectly. I can just go with the flow.

This weekend I am going on a course to learn how to practise Reiki. I’ve been receiving Reiki for about a year and find it massively beneficial for my mental wellbeing. I’ve decided to expand on this and learn how to practise it myself. I will go to the course this weekend with an open mind. I will enjoy the time with the universal energy. I won’t put any pressure on myself and I will just go with the flow…that’s the idea anyway!

E.m x


Wedding bells!

This week I’ve taken the first step towards planning my wedding.
It’s taken a lot of gumption – but I’ve sent the initial emails to the registry office, applied for a notice of marriage and also emailed some potential venues.
I’ve been engaged for what seems like forever. I have also been putting off getting married for the same amount of time.
Why? Because I’m scared.

When most people are scared of marriage I assume it’s because of the commitment factor? That’s not an issue for me. I’ve been with my better half for 7 years and we have a child together.  Commitment is not not a problem and I DO want to get married.

I am completely petrified of the social element of a wedding.  I HATE anything personal that focuses on me. I’m fine with delivering a massive presentation at work to 100’s of people but when it comes to something like talking about myself to people or a personal event in my life that involves people – I brick it.
I had thought about suggesting we get married in secret with 2 witnesses. But I know that would hurt a lot of family.  His mum and my mum in particular. They’d respect the decision but they’d be hurt.

That’s me being selfish.

So I started to think…
Why am I scared / anxious of an event that most girls dream of….

Answer- because I am scared of what people will think.  I am scared of judgement.  I worry that my family will be judged for being a bit different. I worry that I will be judged by the ‘drinking’ guests for being sober. I worry about mixing my sober friends with those friends who still drink. The friends who still drink obviously respect the fact that I don’t drink but do not know that I am part of recovery groups. They’ve never really asked why I stopped and I don’t go out to bars with them very often so there is never an opportunity for that question to arise.. also I haven’t said anything as a lot of them are work friends and I do not want the ‘wrong people’ in the professional sphere to find out about my drinking.

I know it shouldn’t be an issue but it’s something that I am worried about.

If the last few years have taught me anything my attitude should be ‘f*ck any people who would judge me or my family’ and I know logicallu that this is my head talking and fabricating scenarios that are not really there. It is very unlikely that any of my fears will become a reality.

So with the logical part of my brain I did what I didn’t want to do (because that is always the right thing with my thinking) and I’ve started the process off.

We’ll see how is goes. I need to be brave enough to be publically and socially true to myself.  I am not the person I once was..

That was a bit rambling but I needed to get it out there!

E.m x


For some reason I’m really anxious and full of fear today. I can’t place why and i’m trying to figure out why I feel this way.
There are several things going on I think…

Firstly :-
I’ve been to the hospital to visit my nephew who is 13 weeks old.  He’s doing well and I love visiting him and having cuddles and seeing his little face. However,  I’ve come away after looking at all the children in the ward thinking about what I would do if my daughter was in there. That’s filled me with fear. Even though logically I know that my baby isn’t sick and even if she was I would deal with it. But it’s put me on edge. I have handed the feeling over and prayed for it to go. I know it’s fear but also ego coming in there. I’ve turned the situation to myself and am massively projecting in my usual pessimistic way about bad things happening to me and my family. Instead of doing this I need to tell myself that in this moment in this day my family is fine. We are healthy, happy and well. Don’t think about the future. It’s not today. (That’s what my sponsor always says…’it’s not today’)

Secondly :-
People. I have issues with people at the best of times. I always thought I was a people person and outgoing. Now I realise that I’m quite shy and self concious. I get anxious when I receive text messages and phonecalls.  Thus is mainly due to the awful relationship I was stuck in when  I was in my late teens.  The guy had problems (no excuse) and used to leave awful messages on my phone at all hours. Now I am filled with fear when I get a voicemail or phonecall.  I am working on this.
Yesterday I had to deal with two messages off people that I no longer have anything in common with. I realise that I used to ‘people please’ both of these individuals because I am scared of what they think of me.
One of them constantly belittles me and the other is just a flake. I realise this but for years I have done what I know they want me to do…and I have inwardly resented them both.
Yesterday I was proud that I did the right thing when I answered their messages. I did not people please and I stayed true to myself…but I am still going over both situations in my head. It’ll slowly dissapate I know. By writing it here I am hopefully taking the power out of it.

Thirdly :-
Food. I haven’t been looking after myself.  I can feel the sick traits of my eating disorder slowly coming back. I am trying to fight them. The whole experience of being pregnant and putting on weight was hard. But I did it for my daughter. I wanted her to have the best start in life and realised that I had to stop with this selfish disease. Pregnancy gave me permission to relax the relationship I have with food.
That has now changed.  My old ways are back. I have to now try and use all the techniques I know to prevent this disorder coming back full force.
Most importantly I need to set a role model for my daughter.  I don’t want her growing up with a mum that’s full of fear about eating and her weight. I don’t want her to have to count calories.
I need to work on this. I know it will be with me my whole life. Like alcoholism, it is a very selfish illness and I cannot afford to be selfish in either of these areas.

Writing this down has helped. It’s got it out of my head and into actual words rather than just the fearful anxious feeling in the pit of my stomach.

I will stay in touch with my higher power and I know in a few more hours the fear will pass.

E.m x

Long weekend

It’s a holiday weekend! Whilst I’m not working it does mean that LH is off work for 3 days!
I enjoy family time. In the weeks its more of a few snatched hours together but when its the weekend we can go for coffee and walks and sit in the garden.   Friday and Saturday nights are also amazing as he shares the night feeds and I get a bit more sleep!

My sponsor is home from vacation today and I went over to see her and catch up -she knows me inside out and I love chatting to her. I can tell her anything and she’ll give me an honest answer. My girl smiled at her too which meant the world to me! Not just a small twitch of the lips buy a big full on smile!! 🙂  I felt lifted when I was driving back from her house. 

I read a blog past a few days ago around the promises. When I first started working a programme I thought these were a bit corny.  I didn’t understand why they were there or what they really meant. They were just something that was read out at the end of a meeting. Now I appreciate them. They’re coming true for me. I have more than I ever hoped for. The most poinient one for me is ‘we will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us’. I have never been a good ‘coper’. I’ve always stressed out about things and I am a master of projection in my own head. I’m slowly gaining the ability to take a step back. See a situation for what is actually is – not what my head has turned it into. Because of this i am (slightly) more rational.
I’m learning to hand my will over and accept that I can’t control all things and a lot of the time I just need to ‘roll with it’ and take people and situations as they come.
This is a massive benefit to be able to do this – I’m not perfect, I can forget to practise the programme sometimes, but I have it. Just for today I have have a programme and my god its so good.


E.m x